I used to some extent believe the saying “mother knows best” but now that I have entered motherhood I realize that saying is a load of crap. I am a mother and I don’t think I know what is best; in fact, I find myself asking both mothers and non-mothers for advice on the simplest things regarding my 23 month old daughter. I usually know how I
want them to answer when I ask them a question, but I am constantly questioning my ability as a mother. After all, if for some reason Farris doesn’t turn out to be a “perfect child”-it will be my fault…Willy Wonka’s Umpa Lumpas even believe so.
I guess I started thinking about all of this just recently when Farris started daycare for the first time. Originally, I had wanted to stay home with Farris as much as I could so Dan and I worked out our schedules so that one of us could always be home with her. This worked out very well at first, but now I am working a full-time job and I will start student teaching in the fall, which left us with no option other than daycare (hiring a nanny is not in our budget). The first week of daycare went very well! Farris would come home and talk (it was choppy, but I got the gist) about who she played with and what she did. I was feeling quite well about my decision to get a job, and I was overwhelming happy that Farris was making new playmates.
Unfortunately, the second week didn’t go so great. She spent the majority of the days sitting with her blanket clutched tightly in her arms whimpering “mommy, daddy.” This broke my heart for many reasons:
#1: No mother wants to hear that her child is sad and discontent at a place where they spend 8 hours of their day.
#2: I felt sorry for her daycare provider. How painfully irritating and frustrating it must be to have a child that can’t settle down and wants to be held all day.
#3: I knew it was my fault!
Yes, you read right…my fault! I used to think that I was doing the right thing by staying home with Farris, but now I am realizing that I didn’t do her any favors. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED being home with her and I very much enjoyed being the one that she depended on. However, I now realize that I might have hindered her ability to interact with kids her own age. She is great with adults, and also loves kissing and hugging babies; however, put her in a room with another toddler and she doesn’t quite know how to act.
Despite the guilt that I feel inside, I will have to admit that if I could go back I would still choose to stay home with Farris. Nothing in my life has ever felt so right, and I am so thankful that I have as many memories as I do of her infant years. However, with our next child, Dan and I think that a few more playdates are in order.
